@lmegordon

Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.

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@collinwithtwoLs

*cashier stares at obviously fake ID*
you sure you’re 3?
*dog panics and runs out of the store barking*

@70Ceeks

I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans

@Gooooats

When your only tool is a hammer, every problem looks like your brother in law Steve

@daddydoubts

My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?

*checks Amazon*

I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue

@singwithTaffy

(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here

@Sophie2078

Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.

@warmyellowlight

me: *buys condoms, tampons, lice shampoo, adult diapers, yeast infection cream, an enema and a pregnancy test*
cashier: would u like a bag

@sug_knight

Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no