Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
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Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Please put away that scary photo, Tina.
That’s my X-ray.
I’m not sure what’s worse: the fact you dated a skeleton or that its name was Ray.
[at mechanic]
me: *kicking wheel* this baby needs a realignment
mechanic: we don’t do shopping carts
Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
We don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you a little bit and decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “she’s being weird again”
PSA: wild animals do not know to look away from the eclipse. Bring all them inside during it. Birds, raccoons, fox..all of em
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Establish dominance by jumping into a cake.
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not
“Hello, Pizza Hut”
Hi, how many slices are on a large pizza?
“eight”
And a medium?
“eight”
*long pause* I’d like to speak with your manager
If the British had won, today we’d all be celebrating the Fouurth of July
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.