Never pay attention to how often you’re blinking.


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How much longer must I pretend to understand the eclipse, this is exhausting.


[on a date]

me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.


doctor: why do you think you need this medication?

me: i saw the commercial and the side effects sounded pretty awesome


Him: hey see you around

Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead


15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?

Me: grapes

15: Nice! We have grapes?!

Me: *sips wine* nope


Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.


A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses


You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?


Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do