Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
Wanna see awkward?
Hand me a baby.
my landlord is angry because I put an entire suit of armor down the laundry chute again
Sorry I lied about knowing how to play the piano. What’s that? Yes, I agree it made the funeral uncomfortable.
For the love of God, what is Jesus saving? Is it coupons? I bet it’s coupons
My ex-wife got all the coffee when we split up. It was grounds for divorce.
My wife is just 3 days younger than me…
So I’ve gotten into the habit of saying “when I was of your age…” and then describing what I did 3 days ago.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Nothing says “high-functioning alcoholic” like being really good at darts.
my signature move is called “the Mouse,” where I run around the dance floor wearing nothing but a tampon
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
my deep-seated irrational fear of ceiling fans has been vindicated
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
A chip tracker but it’s just me following the potato chip crumbs dropped by my toddler
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.
9: How old was I when I was 3?
me *grabs hammer* *smashes college fund jar*
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
Will you marry me?
‘Is a marriage proposal’Will, you, Mary, me?
‘A foursome inquiry’
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.