Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
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Welcome to your fifties, your movie reviews are no longer thumbs up or thumbs down, they’re did I fall asleep or stay awake.
OoOcH sTePpInG oN LeGoS iS tHe WoRsT!
-person who has crawled and taken a Lego to the knee
Me. I’m the person.
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
It’s daylight savings time which means the clock in my car is about to be correct again
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
ME: I wonder why you have to disclose if someone died in a house you’re selling, but not a car
COUPLE NO LONGER BUYING MY CAR: we can walk from here, I think
I had to ban two of my kids from being in the same room together.
Somehow, they still caused problems, so I sent them to different floors of the house.
Then I made one go outside and one stay inside.
For the next step, I’ll have to banish them both to different states.
My kid saw everything that was going to be from Santa in my saved-for-later cart on Amazon, so now my options are to start Christmas shopping from scratch or to persuade my kid that Amazon works for Santa.
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
“You have 15 seconds to convince me of why I should call you back. Good luck.”
– my voicemail message
The asteroid..
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
We took family pictures with an actual photographer today. No one argued, no one yelled, no one whined, no one cried. Years from now we can look at these photos and say, “this is how we never were.”
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
You sure about that?
“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets
If he can’t build a wall, Trump is going to dig a giant hole at the border and cover it with a welcome mat like it’s a Road Runner cartoon.
Just read about something called “runner’s diarrhea” so no way am I ever running and taking that chance.