Never play hide-and-seek with a 4yo in the mall. I know that now.
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I think tonight while my wife is asleep I’m going to pull on the satin ribbon she’s worn around her neck ever since the day I met her. What’s the worst that could happen. One lil tug
“I bet you’re sexy & not creepy at all. Send me a selfie.”
*sends 5 second video of myself staring and smiling*
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
this came to me in a vision
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Not saying you’re shady but there is a family of squirrels gathered around your ankles.
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Brb taking my potted plant for a walk
“And that is tha sunshine, and this is another plant, you guys can’t be friends he lives outside”
Son?
“Yes dad?”
If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…
“Yes?”
Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
Tom Holland’s nemesis is Jerry Amsterdam
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
WIFE: Stop taking things the wrong way.
ME: [swallows suppository]
Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
Top 5 Zones
5 – Twilight
4 – O
3 – End
2 – In the
1- Cal