Never reach into a girl’s purse. Anything could be inside, a bear could be in there. You just don’t know.
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I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Apparently Red Cross won’t let you donate blood if you bring it in a Coke bottle. That squirrel died for nothing.
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
My local cinema was broken into last night and goods worth £15,000 stolen: a packet of popcorn and a medium Coke.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
It’s like my whole life is just one horrendous karaoke song choice after another.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
I don’t want to intimidate anyone but I did my laundry and took the clothes out of the dryer on the first try.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.