Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.

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Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.

Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*


Me [from bedroom]: Mommmmm!

Mom: What? Why are you yelling

Me: Grandma’s trying to pinch my cheeks

Mom: Grandma’s dead hon

Me: That’s why I’m yelling


It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.


A movie about a surfer vs. a shark

but instead of going back into the water & fighting the shark & dying, she finds somewhere else to surf.


Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]


Pro tip:

Singing “Into the great wide open” is never ok during sex


If you can’t find groceries, make friends with Indian-Americans. Like literally just show up at their house and they’ll feed you.


Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.