Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
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i like dropping off a tweet to FB & watch as everyone cautiously forms a circle around it, looking confused while prodding it with a stick.
Stranger: You look just like a friend of mine
Me: She sounds really pretty
[dinner time]
ME: *puts baby in a lifeguard chair*
WIFE: not that high
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
The Royal Family is doing casting calls for blurry white women with brown hair.
Blurry girlies everywhere are like this is our time
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Me: *covers foot with blanket*
Monster 1: *about to grab my foot anyway*
Monster 2: *quickly pulling him back* NO. we have to respect the blanket Franklin
*Attempts to use ‘I have a boyfriend’ meme*
Meme: I have a boyfriend.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I planned to graduate camping school but I failed tent grade.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[First date]
Him: Tell me about yourself.
Me: No.
And so the devil decided to put the delete key above the send key. The end
Yeah. This was me today.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
I was raised in an apocalyptic cult but not the cool kind with orgies or human sacrifice. No, I couldn’t be so lucky. This one just had math equations to solve and scores of pamphlets to read.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
i would take so many bribes if i was a judge. half my shit would be bribes. take bribes from the criminals until theyre too poor to do crime
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
“There’s approximately a 50% chance there will be weather today.”
-meteorologists
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.