Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
ME: My goal is to be king, like my dad.
HER: That’s amazing. Of what country?
ME: It was his goal, Linda. And now it’s mine.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
date: what’s your dream job?
me: designing food stats for RPGs
date: umm ok… *sips water*
me: [under breath] -2 thirst
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
I think I’m having a stroke
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
Can’t wait for the machines to rise up and are beaten by a firmware update
If you have to ask me if I want more cheese I’m just gonna assume you were dropped on your head as an adult.
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Shoo shoo! 😂
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Friend: Have you ever experienced a haunting?
Me: I have and it’s unrelenting.
Friend: Sounds awful.
Me: It is. I’m haunted by all of the desserts I never ate.
Friend:
Me: The chocolate cheesecake is the most terrifying.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
Meow