Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.

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They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.


1. Get in hammock.
2. Relax.
3. Try and get out of hammock.
4. Panic.
5. Don’t fight it and just accept that this is where you live now.


I have the flu. And as a parent, that means absolutely nothing about my day changes.


LUMINEERS: we have a new song
PRODUCER: what’s it about?
L: deforestation and the loss of natural resources
P: what’s it called?
L: Susan


And then alcohol said “Put that on facebook, it’s hilarious.”
But alcohol was wrong.
So very wrong.


My home security system is a nerf sword by the door. My liquor cabinet has a retina scanner, 3 pit bulls & my 7th grade lesbian gym teacher.


H:”Where’d you get those shoes?”
Me:”I’ve had these for years. Is that a new grill I saw?”
H:”Nope just cleaned the old one”

*Marriage lies


[Rumpelstiltskin comes to take first born son]

“Give me what you promised unless you can guess my name”


“Aren’t you going to guess?”