Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
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*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Me: [stuffs sock down trousers before date]
Date: Wow your knee is huge
In a house with 1,000 bathrooms your kid will only be willing to use the one you’re in, there is nothing you can do to prevent this
Why do they report on the hurricane by standing in the middle of the hurricane?
When there’s a house fire, no one reports on it from inside the house.
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
ME: *staring into my lover’s eyes in the midst of a warm embrace*
HER: What are you thinking?
ME: *caressing her cheek* I forgot your name.
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Just found out men don’t need prostate exams till at least 40. I think my doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
You really shouldn’t drive when you’re tired.
“When are you due?”
Insulted, she flashes me a glare and relocates to another seat.
My eyes stay fixed on the library book she left behind.
Furniture salesperson: Do you see anything you like?
Waldo: Actually yes this red and white couch is quite nice.
Boom, boom, ching!
love it when they get my name right
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
For when Tinder doesn’t work
Twitter action film:
MAN 1: Follow me.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
MAN 1: No. Physically, follow me. Or you’ll be killed.
MAN 2: On Twitter?
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…