never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
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My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
[First day studying philosophy]
Professor: I like to start up each class by sparking a debate. You. You over there. Say something that we can discuss.
Me: Me?
Professor: Yes.
Me: Err… Err… Does a hotdog ever become a colddog?
Professor: Actually, not you. Someone else.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
The only good part about moving is you find every single pair of scissors you have ever owned
My bf: can’t you give me a clue to where I put the car keys?
Me: The elephant crawls at midnight but the zebra lays down his tracks by the freeway.
I like my men like I like my coffee, tall, dark and left on top of my car
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
The beastie boys didn’t prepare me for all of the rights we actually have to fight for.
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
In my day, no one checked how old you were when you started kindergarten. We got left at the door and told to look 5.
I bought Oreos for my kid’s camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
I love lifting but it’s so embarrassing that I’ve become a gym bro like, my parents told me I’m gonna hurt myself lifting and drinking preworkout and I was like “well I’d rather die as a lion than live as a sheep.” Wtf? I need to shut up like who do I think I am
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
*looks at you in batman voice*