You Might Also Like

@awescar

Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.

@elle91

Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.

Me: Like this?

Friend: No, not like that

Me: How about now?

Friend: Please stop

Me:

@velweb

12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.

Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?

@Michael_Erhart

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

@titletown__

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?

Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that

@WheelTod

Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.

@Skoog

[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]

me: [reaching under couch] shit

murderer: let me try i have longer arms

me: you do not

murderer: do too. stand up

[we measure arm length]

me: wow

murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan

@Fred_Delicious

Date – “I really dig intellectuals”
Me – “oh yeah? well check this out babe”
[counts to 17]

@OddMarc

If the Earth is only 5000 years old, how do you explain Cher?