Doctor: You suffer from delusions
Me: I don’t think so
Doctor: They seem real but they’re not
Stuart Little: He’s lying to you
Me: Yeah I know
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.