@neiltyson

Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.

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@ArfMeasures

Doctor: You suffer from delusions

Me: I don’t think so

Doctor: They seem real but they’re not

Stuart Little: He’s lying to you

Me: Yeah I know

@ItsAndyRyan

Roman 1: you won’t believe how many women I’ve slept with
Roman 2: mmm?
Roman 1: don’t be ridiculous, not that many

@RowdyBowden

Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.

@Tmoney68

The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.

@ericbove

From now on when skinny girls say they’re fat I’m just gonna be like, “Yup” & walk away.

@JohnLyonTweets

I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.

@LionJenkins

I imagine colonoscopies are accompanied by the theme music from the underground level of Super Mario Bros.

@Darlainky

You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.

@JermHimselfish

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.