Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
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[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself
PILOT: if you look out the window you’ll see we’re cruising at 35,000 feet
[i look out the window]
[THE SKY IS FULL OF FEET JESUS CHRIST]
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
“Your scientists were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.”
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
*walks into room to find toddler stuck upside down yelling for help*
“Hold it right there baby, Mommy’s just taking a quick picture”
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
[describing robbers to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Some days you’re on top of the world…other days you accidentally shoplift a pair of thong panties that became attached to your purse and you’re just struttin around mid crime spree none the wiser
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
*steals machine parts all year*
*gets coal for xmas*
“Santa you idiot, the parts were for a pressure chamber”
*turns coal into diamond*
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Wife: I need to lose weight
Me: Maybe you should work out
Wife: Maybe we should workout together
Me: Maybe I should mind my own business
[after lover’s spat]
ME: Honey. Lamb chop. Sweetie cakes.
HER: You’re just naming foods.
ME: Pumpkin. Muffin.
HER: …
ME: Zucchini bread.