@KatieBurnett

Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide

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@skedaddle74

Brought home almond milk from the grocery store

My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….

Me: No

@sannewman

Writing tip: Read all your writing aloud to yourself, having first made a pentagram on the floor in salt. A demon should form in the pentagram. Give him your manuscript and tell him the name of your preferred publisher.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Social media is great. Before Facebook I’d never know what the girl who wrote “dirty Jew” on my 8th grade locker was thankful for this year.

@scrirc

Danger is my middle name. nnFirst name: AvoidsnLast name: Completely

@AbbieEvansXO

Him: don’t you want your umbrella?

Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining

Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is

Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin

@jergarl

I’d like to think I have a decent eye for fashion and my wife is like “OMG REMEMBER WHEN THAT HOBO PUT MONEY IN YOUR COFFEE LOL?”