Never share a secret with a clock.
Because Time will tell.
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I miss being the age where the most devastating thing in the world was when my sandwiches got cut into squares instead of triangles.
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
[ouija board]
me: are there any spirits with us? Speak now
ouija board: H E L L O F R O M T H E O T H E R S I D E
me: ….please stop
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
I just accidentally read “Federal” as “Feral” and it made zero difference to the article.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
A sweet potato is just a regular potato that thinks that dress of yours is to die for
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
ps5 is how I abbreviate pspspspsps
Things that are likely to kill me:
1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework
When a tough guy comes at me like “Hey! You want some of THIS?!” I’m scared, but also it’s like… thank you for asking, you know?
Me: *pees on her leg*
Her: *screams*
Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!
Security: That’s for STINGS.
Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
The first 36 years of my childhood have been the hardest.
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
Stages of going to bed:
1. I won’t stay up too late.
2. Oh no.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
“You’re an athlete,” I whisper to myself, as I begin my third attempt to get out of the couch.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Stop blaming others for your mistakes.
Study feng shui and blame the furniture
If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
Me: *unfreezes cro-magnon woman I uncover on an arctic expedition*
Cro-magnon woman: “I have a boyfriend.”
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
[Cop questioning suspected watermelon thief]
COP: *squints* Was it you?
GIRAFFE (who has watermelon-sized bulge halfway down his neck): Nope