Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
If Vanilla Ice was a priest:
🎶If you have a sin, yo, I’ll solve it / read the Good Book while my DJ absolves it! 🎶
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
Me: I need to see a supervisor
Hat Shop Employee: Excellent choice, Ma’am
How come the person who developed the algorithm that makes IMDB think Prison Break’s “More like this” should include Bing Bang Theory gets to keep their job?
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
The guy in the car behind me is really taking a no man left behind approach to picking his nose
Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
😲 WTF? 😆
Not really a humane solution in my opinion
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
but your honor, i said “lol” afterwards
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
If you tell someone “nice shirt” and they don’t look down at it you’re talking to a robot.
This one’s “Alex”.
I wish I could put an AirTag on my sanity.
Her + Gravity = 2001: A Space Odyssey
ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
Sure the Lego botanical sets are great but dusting them is another story.
iPhone X
Car commercials are so insane, like hey we’re going to the mountains to chase owls in our kia sorento, alright take it easy penelope.
As we lie in bed at 4am I know you’re looking at me thinking you’ve struck gold. Your hand reaches towards me and I slap it away from the cheese that just fell onto my chest.
“No” I shout through a mouthful of cold pizza “mine”
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..