Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
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It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
A haunted house but it’s just people making different mouth noises in every room
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
[after sex]
Her: wow that was loud
Tin man: I’m a bit rusty
Yes, curling is silly and basically janitorial work, but that guy’s gonna have a gold medal, and all you’ll have is your joke about curling.
*wearing five finger condoms on both hands* ok time for some safe sexting
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
I once read the words “You have bewitched me body and soul” but your eggplant emoji is nice too.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
GENIE:3 wishes
ME:Can I wish for more?
G:No
M:I wish u couldn’t count
G:Done. How many do u have left?
M:A billion
G:
M:
G:That sounds right
getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
if i had an evangelical homie i’d be doing this all the time
*moves all unread emails to trash
Omg I got so much done today.
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[on the phone]
HER: are you chillin?
ME: oh im chillin. im chillin like a—[cop walks by & i start sweating]—like a law-abiding citizen
If i was married i’d wake her up with “huh? what was that” 7-8 times a night
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
If I were Cinderella, I wouldn’t have settled for a guy who couldn’t even remember what my face looked like.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.