Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m so broke right now, I’m gonna have to be renamed, “McDonald’s ice cream machine”.

MOM: finish your dinner

SON: I can’t eat anymore, I’m full

MOM: hi full, I’m mom

DAD: *drops an entire steak onto his khakis*

My son: I need a nap, I’m so tired.

Me: Aw buddy – didn’t sleep good last night?

My son: no, I just couldn’t sleep in class today like I usually do.

Me:

Morning sex is the most important imaginary sex of the day.

What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.

Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”

Now, ask me the question

Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.

Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.

I finally opened the condom in my wallet and it had a beard.

Then:
Me: I want McDonald’s

Mom: Do you have McDonald’s money?

Now:
Mom: I want grandkids

Me: Do you have grandkids money??

*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday

me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]

robber: why are u wearing a glove

me: I meant to grab my bat lol

robber: lol

Just saw a guy running down the road with a cape on, so I shouted, “Hey! Are you a superhero!?”

He yelled “no I didn’t pay for my haircut!”

When I learned what calculators did, I immediately cleared the “math” part of my brain to make room for more movie quotes.

“I don’t need more than 4 hours of sleep” I say proudly while spooning dish washer detergent into my coffee.

sooo many straight people never talk to their exes and sooooo many queer people are like “this is my ex-girlfriend we share custody of our dog Skippy she’s the godmother of my children oh and also we own a bar together”

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.

stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay

Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.

If you see my brave face, do not make eye contact and back away slowly. I haven’t worn it in weeks and I’m afraid it has gone rogue.

My mom used to beat me with a camera.

I still get flashbacks.

This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.

Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas

Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting

Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok

*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*

Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*

my 4yo threw a tantrum because I wouldn’t lock him in a storage bin & reader, I hesitated

People say nothing is impossible but you would be amazed at how often I do nothing.

Him: Let’s grill this steak

Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS

Him: that’s not-

Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK

DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?