[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
You Might Also Like
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I’ve decided that bringing a condom to a gunfight wasn’t the smartest choice for protection.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
[God creating praying mantis]
Make an insect that does karate
Angel: k
Now make it bite her husband’s head off
Angel: dude we need to talk
my ex said i had a fear of commitment but this 5 gallon jar of Costco olives says otherwise
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
My daughter has decided instead of drying off with bath towels, she prefers sheets, and I love her and promised to never stamp out her individuality, but no.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
A cemetery foreman discovers that his employees cremated a body he explicitly told them to bury.
“You’ve made a grave mistake!” He fumes.
What I really need is a woman who loves me for my money but doesn’t understand math.
I just found out Nicki Minaj isn’t animated!
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
*someone pays me a compliment*
Whoa, wait are you the cops
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
My favorite Disney princess is Ariel. Gotta love a woman who can’t talk for half the movie.
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
Donating blood today to make room for more food
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”