Never tell a woman you’re infatuated with her. All she’ll hear is “fat”.
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Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
No, I don’t think I will.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
I remember when spring break meant a week on Padre Island parting with my friends, and now it’s spent hoping my kids aren’t on Padre Island partying with their friends.
It was the best of times.
It was the worst of times.
It had mixed feelings about the times.
Apparently “I had a lovely chat with the tomatoes while weeding the garden yesterday” doesn’t count when your therapist asks you about your social interactions since the last session.
I miss when the most stressful thing about my day was Gargamel.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
Her)What that mouth do?
Me)Usually get me in trouble
What the vet said: Your dog is a little dirty.
What I should have said: I’ll do better.
What I actually said: You should see my kids.
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.
You can’t explain children. You just survive them.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
[seductively takes off mom jeans]
Me:[ziiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii—
Him: [checks watch, pays bills, watches baseball game, sends our kids off to college]
Me: —iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiip]
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.