ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”
911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?
ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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In order to catch a cab, one must think like a cab first.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!
Me: Have you ever had an accident?
Her: No, I’m on the pill.
Treadmills should just have one big button that says “Make Me Look Good Naked.”
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
WOMAN: Hey big boy
ME: *not knowing how to flirt back* Hey dad
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…