Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
You Might Also Like
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
*gets neck cracked by Chiropractor*
Hey I didn’t know our necks turned like an Owls
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
Cucumbers Anonymous
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
The worst thing a woman can ask a man is “Guess what today is.”
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
I was really expecting to get murdered by some creepy person from the Internet by now.
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
Verizon: we don’t plan to murder anyone
America: so it’s ok if we keep murder illegal then
Verizon:
Verizon: no