Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.

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ME: [whispering]”Yes, 911? Someone’s breaking into my house!”

911: Stay calm. Do you have an address?

ME: “um no. I have on pajamas”


just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me


WAITRESS: anything else?
ME: check please
SERVIRKA: Něco dalšího?


[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*


Her: I like dangerous sex, like in a moving car!

Me: Have you ever had an accident?

Her: No, I’m on the pill.

Me: (Sigh)


Treadmills should just have one big button that says “Make Me Look Good Naked.”


Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…