Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
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My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
Tiny son: Mommy, did you know, inside a turtle shell there is a little bed, a TV, and a tiny kitchen?
Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Imagine how stupid you’d feel if you pitched “Yabba dabba doo” at that early Flintstones meeting and it didn’t hit
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
Laughter is not the best medicine. Please take your medicine.
How to clean a plastic shower curtain liner:
Step 1: Throw it away and buy a new one for $5 at Target.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
[flashback to 1st date]
*cuts round hole in bottom of popcorn
Me: Popcorn?
Her: No thanks.
(Mom reaches from row behind)
“I’ll have some.”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
You’ll be OK
Dating tip: Photoshop yourself into some of her selfies. Women love guys who are good with computers.
Calling bullshit on movies. Not once have I walked into a public restroom and found a gun taped to the back of the toilet.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Shopping online and betting on which shipments arrive by the estimated delivery dates because I don’t feel like going to a casino to lose money.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.
Just warning the studios that if we don’t start making shows, they’re not gonna have anything to reboot in 8-12 years.