Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
You Might Also Like
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn
I hate it when my kid beats me in an argument, like this morning when I told her Oreos aren’t breakfast food and she countered with, “of course not, they’re the snack before breakfast”
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
dutch is not a serious language
*Robber runs into Chipotle*
GIMME THE MONEY IN THE REGISTER
“Is this for here or to go?”
Uh. To go
“Do you want guac?”
Sure
“It’s extra”
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am
My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
Girls are a lot like oceans,
beautiful
and deep
but once a month
it’s shark week.
“My buddy can’t get a date it’s wild”
That sucks. What’s he like?
“He’s in great shape, hits the gym,”
But what’s his personality-
“He makes so much money. He has three Ferraris.”
How’s his personali-
“He wears three gold watches & a gold hat. Why doesn’t he have a gf”
Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
He isn’t credited for it but John C. McGinley competed on American Gladiators. There is no point in sharing this other than it being cool as hell.