Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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My kid told me people go bald because they stop watering their hair
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
People laugh cos I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
*Hands out tests*
“Remember, there’s no prize for finishing first,” I lie.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
Who says Republicans aren’t into recycling?
Mitt Romney’s thinking of running for President, again.
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
Sorry I’m late. The door said PULL, but I don’t believe everything I read.
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
I’d hire this kid in 10 years.
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
*wear too little makeup*
People: you look tired*wear too much makeup*
People: why are you trying so hard*start a fire*
People: calm down
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
I hate it when I have to go pee at someone else’s house but there’s no toilet paper, so I’m forced to use the hand towel hanging so festively above the sink.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
My Obgyn suggested I cut carbs to maintain a healthier pregnancy weight.
Frankly, I’d rather cut the Obgyn.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
Husband Bear: Honey! I’m home!
Wife Bear: For God’s sake, would you at LEAST say hello before demanding dinner?
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name