Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

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DATE: Tell me something naughty about you

ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money


ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!


ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there

KIDNAPPER: shut up

ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?

KIDNAPPER: no, quiet

ME: you should have gagged me

KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out

ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone


I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll


Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs

Sounds like I’m eating water and air today


I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.


If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats


Jesus: I have to die because of sin
God: Yes
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
God: Yes
Jesus: For eating an apple
God: Yes
Jesus: No


Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”