@WilliamAder

Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.

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@offbeatoliv

I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.

@TheJoelWillis

5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

@dadmann_walking

my wife loves it when one of the kids prays before dinner and they say “please God i hope this food is good”.

@GrowlyGrego

Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.

@jake_lach

<—–Will never confess the actual number of house cats he’s forced outdoors when the owner wasn’t looking

@jojipaints

Friend: I think you have a problem with overusing contractions.

Me: It’s what it’s.

@BabetteJones

Pro debating tip:

Shave one eyebrow and draw a new one really high.