DATE: Tell me something naughty about you
ME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
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ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
ME (backseat): whoa kinda rolled through that stop there
KIDNAPPER: shut up
ME: can you help me with my seatbelt?
KIDNAPPER: no, quiet
ME: you should have gagged me
KIDNAPPER: *slams brakes* that’s it, get out
ME: …yo buddy this a no stopping zone
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll
Someone just said the secret to getting ripped is no sugar, gluten, or carbs
Sounds like I’m eating water and air today
That lamp looks PISSED.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Jesus: I have to die because of sin
Jesus: Which you created as punishment
Jesus: For eating an apple
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”