Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
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Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there