@Gupton68

Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.

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@bacon_gillepic

Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party

@KarenKilgariff

Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”

@PopeAwesomeXIII

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

@pauljadam

“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev

@mrsmith196645

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.

@TweetPotato314

partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard

me: yep

partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire

me: that’s right

partygoer: where did you two meet

me: tall chair store

@Fred_Delicious

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

@Kids_kubed

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

@FloodyHippie

You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.

@MarfSalvador

[hiding under bed from murderer]

cellmate: I know you’re there