Never thought I’d need to say ‘don’t lick the paint’ to a 14 year old, yet here we are.
You Might Also Like
I used to be scared upon waking in the middle of the night, but after raising two babies and seeing all hours of the clock, I’ve learned that the only thing that is truly frightening is hearing the word “Mom” whisper-screamed into my ear.
I made a huge to do list for today. I just can’t figure out who’s going to do it.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
(Gaming support cat.)
I’ve been avoiding the news like crazy. We could’ve landed on the Moon this morning for all I know.
mfs take one picture in a suit then start posting quotes about success, just go to the wedding bro
I think you misunderstood–when I said, “Let me look into it” that meant, “I don’t know exactly how to tell you no just yet”
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Please don’t leave that cake alone with me
For the low, low price of $14.95, I’ll send you my instructional DVD, “How to Succeed as a Con Man.”
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
FRIEND: Say “fork” 10 times.
ME: Fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork fork.
FRIEND: Now what do you eat cereal with.
ME: Milk.
My husband said I need a scary costume for Halloween this year, so I’m dressing up as a Positive Pregnancy Test.
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
[self checkout]
daaaaang i look good
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
when you’re a gargoyle but also afraid of heights
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.