“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.
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ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card
[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”
Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
Husband: How about a quickie?
Wife: As opposed to what?
My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.
Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: *blank stare*
Me: A napkin?
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.