Never throw somebody under the bus unless you’re sure it’s moving.

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“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”


[being mugged]
ME: can i keep things of sentimental value?
ME:[pulling things from wallet] my favorite cash…my lucky debit card


[Guy sees octopus doing squats at the gym on 4 legs]
“You doing legs today?”

Octopus: Yeah my fourarms hurt.


Husband: How about a quickie?

Wife: As opposed to what?


My aunt’s ex-boyfriend’s mailman’s brother said it on Facebook so I don’t think any further research is necessary.


Wife: I’m making breakfast for dinner tonight. What do you want?
Me: Bacon.
Wife: And?
Me: *blank stare*
Wife: AND?
Me: A napkin?


You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.


Student loans: because you should know what it’s like to be one of the poor people you’re always going on about


[Cooking pasta]

Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.