when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
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Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Legend has it there are 13 ways to have sex. So far, all I’ve found is 1 and it wasn’t even that great since all we used was my imagination.
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
[girl brings me back to her apartment]
her: come to bed
me: just one sec [velcro noises] [more velcro noises] [too many velcro noises]
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
If she holds your hair back while you throw up in a McDonald’s bathroom, that’s a hurlfriend.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
‘I like mouse but I couldn’t eat a whole one’
– Our sodding cat
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
“You look tired”
Well you’re crap at compliments.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Future said “I wake up on a daily basis” so he other does so much drugs that that’s an accomplishment or he doesnt know thats what people do
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.