Me: Dave got arrested for forgery
Her: For real?
Me: No for fake
Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?
Waiter: black pepper?
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
If you are what you eat, then my dog is a calculator.
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.