Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers
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Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
One venti cheeseburger please.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
If I’m suddenly acting really nice to you, chances are it’s only because I want what you’re eating.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Getting a cat is SO much easier. Go outside. Put cat food out. Pet whatever comes to eat it. Best 30 raccoons I’ve ever had. Also rabies.
him: hey have you ever seen house
her: house?
him: yeah like doctor house
me, walking by: [helpfully] it’s called a hospital
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
“Good luck tomorrow.”
* Me confusing a random stranger *
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
[after an accident on the ski slope]
ME: did i nail the triple backflip
PARAMEDIC: u choked on a tootsie roll and fell off of the ski lift
I think this should do it.
@JosesLovesYou @funTweeters The slang in Japanese for periods IS Hinomaru (That’s the name of the Japanese flag) 🙂