@LoSucks

Never trust a fireworks dealer that has all 10 fingers

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@ThugRaccoons

Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation

Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back

@68Cly29

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

@panmidwest

[roadtrip]
ME: I need a bathroom break
FRIEND: no stops for 2 hours, use that Gatorade bottle
ME: um…ok…now how am I supposed to wipe?

@T_N_Crumpets

Waiter: black pepper?
Me: sure
Waiter: say when
Me: [remembering I have large investments in numerous peppercorn plantations] haha sure

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@myqkaplan

“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”

“schrodinger”

@Marlebean

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

@manda_tee1

If Iron Man and Silver Surfer teamed up, they would be alloys.