Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
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Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Rededicate Christopher Columbus statues to the Chris Columbus who directed Mrs. Doubtfire
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
I picked up & ate a huge piece of baklava at a coffee shop while standing at the register because I thought they were free samples. I chowed down on that thing in silence while the cashier just stared at me.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
Hearing an adult say they “don’t understand why the government doesn’t just print more money so people have more” is why we can’t have nice things.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
Sorry I’m late, I was chasing a pasta noodle around the sink w/ the faucet sprayer and lost track of two hours.
Sometimes I drink too much coffee and chase the Amazon guy around the neighborhood
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Black Friday “markdowns” like
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
My dogs have learned that whenever they hear the f-word in the kitchen, there’s now food on the floor.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
[Mcdonald’s]
DARWIN: 2 Big Mac meals for us… and 9 Happy Meals for the kids
WIFE: we have 10 kids
DARWIN: I know
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.