never trust a guy who wants you to try out for a boy band in a motel off the jersey turnpike.
i know this now.
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Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
manning had to write 500 words about thomas edison, he got his 500 word count pretty quickly: When Thomas Edison was 12 Thomas Edison convinced Thomas Edison’s parents to let Thomas Edison start selling newspapers. (the entire paper is like this!!)
God: You’re beautiful. Aren’t you?
Peacock: Yes. Thanks for creating me.
God: *Starts giggling*
Peacock: What’s so funny, god? Why are you laughing?
God: you’re called peacock. *Bursts into laugh*
Peacock: WHAT THE FFUU..
God: And you cant speak.
[Incoherent bird noise]
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
wow the language they speak in the uk sounds almost exactly like english
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
Idea: Eels. Exactly the same storyline as Cats but they’re all eels.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Wait for it. (You won’t regret it).
Just howling at the moon and eating whatever I can find until my navel pops out like an angry elevator button, how about you?
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Part of me says I can’t keep drinking like this. The other part of me says, don’t listen to her, she’s drunk
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.