@daplusk

Never trust a homeless person selling warm lemonade

You Might Also Like

@MetteAngerhofer

My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.

@UncleDuke1969

[first date]

ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?

@SCbchbum

Don’t bother giving kids a hard time for saying lol while they’re speaking if you came from an era when hardy-har-har was a thing.

@paperphotoyo

Being a parent means you have to make gigantic sacrifices like quality sleep and the backs to every remote control in your house.

@JohnLyonTweets

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

@SteveSuckington

DAUGHTER: why did you name me Paris?

ME: You were conceived on our honeymoon in Paris

SON: OMG!!

ME: (to son) what’s wrong 97FordF150?

@ArfMeasures

Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!

Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure

@AuthorGaylord

Me: Okay, 5yo, are you ready for your morning math lesson?

5yo: Hold on. Let me get my laser gun.

Me:

@PaperWash

idea for haunted house: dimly lit grocery store sprinkled with people you haven’t talked to since high school

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.