never trust a person who says they don’t like chocolate, even dogs eat chocolate and it kills them
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A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
I don’t trust rain…
Nature giving away free water like a damn hippie, instead of charging $2.99 a bottle like God intended?
Something doesn’t add up and it feels like communism
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
I’m glad the Dentist calls me the day before to remind me to cancel my appointment.
2015: cake by the ocean
2020: the ocean is cake
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
*on blind date*
Her: you wore pajama pants on a first date?
Me: wtf? I thought you were blind!
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
A friend of mine was telling me that his wife thinks he’s too impulsive. I told him, “What does she know, you only met her yesterday.”
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
Someone taught my daughter how to craft 3D snowflakes and now she’s made so many that the inside of my home looks like it was in the path of an avalanche.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
It feels unfair that my evolutionary nervous system reacts like my toddler is in danger every time he screams at the top of his lungs, when in fact, i just opened his lollipop the wrong way.
Iceland is like a guy who brags he was prom king and captain of the varsity basketball team and yearbook editor and then you find out he was homeschooled.