@DaddyJew

Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers

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@philefanaddict

The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.

@AndyAsAdjective

[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]

[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]

8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored

@phalguy

You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?

@BareChesty

*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..

“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”

@TheBoydP

Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?

Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.

@_odlanyeR

Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep

@welivinasociety

this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along

@KrangTNelson

PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000

ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!

*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*

@PaperWash

New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years