The babysitter wanted $25.00 an hour this weekend, so I just bought my kid an iPad instead.
Never trust a vegetarian who eats animal crackers
You Might Also Like
[Saturday morning, 5:53 am]
[a tap on my shoulder wakes me]
8YR OLD: dad, I’m bored
You’re an embarrassment to the human race.
What are you doing later?
*watches man fall off of bridge on TV..
“Bartender, can you get me that drunk?”
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Whoever named the ewe really didn’t like female sheep
this halloween i’m going as someone asking how the writing’s coming along
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years