Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
This is a special tweet. Only people who are sex deprived can read this tweet.
I wonder if all the other popcorn kernels in the bag freak out when the first kernel pops
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
CEO: It’s got wheels
Inventor: It’s the best we could do
CEO: You had 30 yrs
I:
CEO: Put “may not hover” on the box and get out of my sight
therapist: a lot of my clients are feeling that way right now
me: ok rank us
every single thing you’ve ever done and all the decisions you’ve made in life have led to the point where you are reading a tweet that ends in the word chudnugget
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
“You’d look better without make-up” You’ve never seen me without make-up, you have no way to know if that is true, I am putting your cast iron pan in the dishwasher
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Whenever I hear someone call my name, my first instinct is to walk faster
Tip for lower back pain: injure your neck to take your mind off it.
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side]
ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I… hate… being… stabbed…
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
Relationship status: my last pickpocket had really gentle hands.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning crab linguine
I have days when wearing a hat is the only use I have made of my head.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot