Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
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if u wanna date me all u gotta do is ask and i’ll say no
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
Step aside coffee, this is a job for alcohol.
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
Just checked out a hot guy with full leg sleeves…only to realize I’m not wearing my glasses and it was an old man in compression socks.
It’s interesting growing up and learning that most adults are not smart. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Her: Mmm, you smell nice, what’s that cologne?
Me: Oh, something French and expensive. I wanted to impress you.
Cat: It’s Febreze-scented cat litter dust from changing my litter box.
Me: You’re a really shitty wingman, Felix.
Trumpy Cat
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
Did you know that if you drop and break a piece of folk art, it just turns into more folk art?
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
“Check engine”
Yep, it’s still there.
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I just googled “jokes to tell right before you die” and if that doesn’t tell you what kind of person I am, I don’t know what does.
We’re at dinner with my parents on this trip.
Dad, receiving his salad: Oh, you have to mix this together yourself.
Me: You mean you have to toss your own salad?!
*Husband laughed*
*Mom giggled*Dad, oblivious: Yeah. You do.
Two out of three ain’t bad.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
Internet dating? No thanks. I like the internet, but I don’t like like the internet.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree