Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.
You Might Also Like
When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:
1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.
God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?
God: including the dinosaurs?
CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR
“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
“He pronounced sue like sway”
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.