@PondHockeyPro

Never trust a woman with a shovel, she’s not planting flowers fella.

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@TasiaBass28

Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”

@pleatedjeans

When getting rid of old clothes you have 2 options:

1. Donate to Goodwill
2. Dress every raccoon within a 5-mile radius

@continentlbkfst

kid: dad how do you make a bubble?

me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-

kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*

@Donna_McCoy

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

@ch000ch

God: have u gathered 2 of every animal?

Noah: yes

God: including the dinosaurs?

CUT TO: NOAH RUNNING FOR HIS LIFE AFTER TRYING TO CATCH A DINOSAUR

Noah: ….ya

@NicestHippo

“Are you sure this lawyer is good?”
Yeah, why?
“He pronounced sue like sway”

@WilliamAder

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

@itsthatAsh

Commas are the coolest punctuation, because they’re like “Yeah, you haven’t got time to stop, but you can chill for a little bit.”

@IamEveryDayPpl

Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.

@Eightinchgoat

The next person to tell me I should quit smoking for New Years is gonna be responsible for me breaking this year’s “no murder” resolution.