Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.

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God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.


Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.


When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.


[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps


Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”


“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues


I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.


A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.