God I’m so stupid I was looking all over for my car keys, turns out they were on my head the entire time.
Never trust an anti-aging lotion that has an expiry date.
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Hiring a sky writer to remind my wife about the time I emptied the dishwasher.
When my co-worker asked me if I wanted anything from the vending machine, I can tell she wasn’t expecting me to say 4 Snickers bars.
It’s only an overdose if you’re dead.
[during lull in conversation] maybe people who say the earth is flat are thinking of maps
If I’m lying but not wearing pants, what catches fire?
Coworker just asked me if I’m “working hard or hardly working” & now I’m standing over him asking if he’s “bleeding bad or badly bleeding?”
“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
A cropped version of my wind turbines cartoon seems to be doing the rounds. It’s by me, if you see it.