Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
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About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Frankly, I don’t know how Jason and Freddy put up with all the screaming
I caught my insane ex going through my garbage, but I guess that’s what I get for dating a raccoon.
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
My whole life was a lie.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
would love to see a prequel to Titanic where we see Jack completely unable to climb onto a floating pool toy and we all go “ahh makes sense”
I grew up in a very sheltered household. Our house had 17 roofs. We had alcoves upon alcoves. I wore a tarp wherever I went.
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
My brain acts like Windows 10. It wants to update and I just want to shut down.
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
I’m having stuff I ordered delivered to an Amazon hub for pickup, but I didn’t realize you have to give them your Amazon username. So, I’m going to have to walk in and say, “Picking up a package for Lamont Sanford’s Friend Rollo.”
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
Rest in peace. That doesn’t sound that bad. It’s not like you die and then you have to run a marathon
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
Me: I wanna travel somewhere
My bank account: To the other room? or?
Obi-wan: It’s over Anakin! I have the high ground!
Anakin:*Force pushes him out of the way*
Obi-wan: Damn that completely obvious solution
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
take the quarantine challenge!
come out the other side with the same number of children you had going in: don’t make any new ones,
don’t lose any on purpose in the woods
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.