The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
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Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
skydiving instructor: you need to pay attention to what i say
me, naked, eating a corn dog as i jump out of the plane: haha, okay, sky nerd
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Volkswagen Italy, please never change your Instagram handle.
funerals wayyyy too expensive. y’all throw me in an airfryer when it’s my time
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
The greatest trick The Devil ever pulled was NOT letting his friends and family know he was good with computers.
Thanks to my wife, I now know a car can go 21,462 miles without an oil change before something horrible happens.
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
Me: Clean up your toys off the floor.
4-year-old: You have to clean, too.
Me: They’re your toys.
4: It’s your floor.
[Restaurant]
“Good evening sir, would you like to hear the specials?”
Yes please
“THIS TOWN (AHH AHHH) IS COMIN LIKE A GHOST TOWN”
“Daddy I lost my popsicle” and other terrifying things my kids say.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
It still pisses me off that teachers gave us shit about paying attention and then had to take attendance to see if one of their kids was missing
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.
Myth: Have kids close in age. It gets easier and they’ll have a friend to play with
Fact: They’ll fight. Every hour. Every day.
No pizza delivery in prison is the reason why I haven’t murdered anyone yet.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
There’s no gangsta way to get out of a hammock.