Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
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Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I had to work all night but I can’t wait until my girlfriend hears her new La Cucaracha car horn
i have lived through 30 winters and i’m somehow still surprised when it gets dark before 5pm in november
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
If any cheetahs are reading this, please do not eat my son.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
[at hairstylist]
Make me look like I’m running really fast.
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Sorry the tattoo artist missed your eye and put that teardrop under your nostril.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Accidentally just told a girl that “she has a nice head” because I appearently have the flirting skills of a serial killer
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
No way!
ME TO MY CAT: Now show them the word I taught you that means you have an ouchie.
MY CAT: me-ow
FRIENDS: ……you’re an idiot.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
it must be school picture day
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?
ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet
I love wearing a mask, I love the anninom….annominon…anonmin…
that people can’t tell who I am