I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
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I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
The airline I’m traveling in just made an announcement that said all mobile phones, laptops and PAGERS should be switched off. If I own a pager in 2022, I won’t need an airplane to travel. I’ll just use my time machine.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
No, I don’t think I will.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
You are not alone 💚
Don’t key “You’re so cool” into the side of a police car while cop is still in the car.
Don’t ask me how I know this.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
There’s a crying baby on my bus and I’m all “shut up baby, you’re not the one going to work.”
I have no idea who these famous people are. We need to go back to three channels.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I can’t get my 10y/o out of bed in the morning unaided. I have to waft bacon scent in her face and then she wakes up on her own.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
Don’t ever be sad on a Saturday. Wait till Monday and cry on company time. Don’t let capitalism win!
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
A little known historical fact is that Alexander the Great had a younger brother named Bob the Pretty Okay
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
My husband came home at 5:47am & wanted to know why his key wasn’t working. You don’t live here anymore. That’s why.
Sorry I was late for geometry class, I got on the rhombus
[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.
I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly