@itshotterhere

Never trust someone who says you’re more important than cheese. It’s an obvious lie.

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@AbrasiveGhost

GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!

GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.

@JaySuch

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

@paulrobalino

Aoccdrnig to Ylae rseaerch, it deosn’t mtater waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are in, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is how mcuh mnoey you hvae

@funderlaw

Wife is “not angry” that I ate her Pringles…..
So, I’ll be sleeping with one eye open, like a mob boss.

@krisv_723

<Morgue>
Me:*gasping sob* That’s her. I’d recognize that Boner Garage tattoo anywhere. Oh, Grandma.

@UncleDuke1969

pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)

1) An act of spinning on one foot

2) A tiny gay pirate

@TheAlexNevil

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

@dumbbeezie

Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does