Never turn your back while kids are in the bath.
Drown shmown!
Those punks are gonna dump a whole bottle of shampoo in for mega bubble bath
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For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
A Nigerian prince needs my help #BadReasonsForALoan
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
Yes hello 911, I put a smaller microwave inside a bigger microwave and now there’s a wormhole in my kitchen
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
No one is more disappointed about you driving the speed limit than the cop pacing you, thinking he’s cleverly disguised in his marked Ford Explorer.
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
You woke me up for only THIS?! I yell at my bladder, pointing to the toilet
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
Until I had kids I wasn’t aware that Hakuna Matata could be sung in such a threatening manner
BREAKING: Man arrested for owning a waterbed. Police reported that “it’s not really illegal, but a waterbed in 2014? That’s just creepy.”
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
I made a recipe that called for aubergines. The grocery store didn’t have any so I substituted eggplants.
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity