never under-estimate the power of getting a new phone number

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I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race


(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)

Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.

Me: Okay what the


Panda: am I too pudgy?

God: I have a better question.

Panda: ok.

God: what’s black and white and red all over?

Panda: I don’t know.

God: it’s you.

Panda: b-but I’m not red.

God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.

Panda: [blushing].


Guys, please help. My son accidentally started a sentence without saying “mom” first, and then he kind of short circuited…? What do I do?


Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.


My husband didn’t have Snapchat so I convinced him to download it “because it will be fun!” and the first request he received was from his ex-girlfriend, so I deleted my husband’s Snapchat bc what grown man needs a stupid Snapchat anyway.


in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”


Mom: Any big plans today?

Me: Yes, of course, my friend is coming over and…

Mom: The mail doesn’t come on Sundays.

Me: Oh, then no. :'(


I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.


I caught a cute guy salivating and giving me sexy eyes at the restaurant today and I was growling and giving him kissy faces but it turns out he was eyeing the waitress behind me who was bringing out his food and so to save face I dropped to the floor and faked a seizure.