My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy
Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.
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Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.
Her: We really need to do something about global warming
Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*
[types symptoms into WebMD]
WebMD: Eww. Gross.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me