store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
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*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
[Day 1 of the Olympics]
Me: I really liked that twisty turny thing he did[Day 10 of the Olympics]
Me: his quad toe loop was a bit under roatated don’t you think Johnny?
Johnny Weir: you’re not allowed in here
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
“ i don’t like taylor swift ” 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Due to an unfortunate miscommunication with the printer, I am currently selling “Proudly Pro-Lice” bumper stickers at a steep discount.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
nature’s most graceful animal
Today’s kids will never know how to play Minesweeper – because neither did we 😂
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
i enjoy video games because they let me live out my wildest fantasies, like being assigned a task and then completing that task
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
My toddler is pretty particular about the brand of chicken nuggets I offer her for somebody who just ate a crayon.
When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.
Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
I’ve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you don’t hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
safari guide: please keep your arms inside the vehicle
me: [a lion has my arm already] call a doctor
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
I know dropping your phone/keys in a public toilet is bad but have you ever lost a shoe trying to kick the flusher
Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before