@Parentpains

Never under estimate the value of stretching…the truth.

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@LarrysTwin99

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

@dougbies

Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?

@TheMichaelRock

Prescription commercials are always so touching until the last minute or so when they explain how their product could kill you.

@KellieMounce

Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.

@juliussharpe

A guy just came into this restaurant by himself, ordered a plate of olives, ate them, and left. If you see something, say something.

@MotleyTheMutt

Her: We really need to do something about global warming

Me: Yes, I agree *takes a sip of Fiji water that has been flown halfway across the planet*

@rachelle_mandik

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

@T_Bonezzz_

When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me