The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Met a cute guy named Jack.
I grabbed his hand and dramatically said, “I’ll never let go, Jack!”
He quickly left. It’s okay though. My heart will go on.
If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Me: *sends nude of me laying on couch*
Her: When did you get a belly ring?
Me: Oh…no, that’s a Fruit Loop
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
I feel like whoever named it a “magic marker” was really overselling their product expectation-wise.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
Big Sex has us all fooled
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Doctor: How did you get this black eye?
Me: Walked into a door
Doc: Really?
Me: I was using my phone lying down and dropped it on my face
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
guy who ruins jokes: what are you cooking
chef: updog
guy who ruins jokes: oh i love that
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
This summer, West asked, point blank: “Dad, is Santa real? Tell me the truth.” And I told him & said he could now help carry the flame of Christmas magic for younger kids. He seemed proud. Last night he put it to use. He said, “Give me ice cream or I’ll tell maison about Santa.”
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.