@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

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@PleaseBeGneiss

god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic

@cottoncandaddy

why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime

@VodkaThursday

I got an email from Olga. She thinks I’m sweet & “longs for finding a special person for serious relations”. So there’s always that.

@ByrdMan0914

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

@mack44_d

I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.

@JayFinW

There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.

@CulturedRuffian

I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.

@TweetPotato314

Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today

@ArfMeasures

ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this