Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

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god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast

angel: and so wild

god: only a lunatic would ride one

angel: are you—

god: —ima make a lunatic


why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime


I got an email from Olga. She thinks I’m sweet & “longs for finding a special person for serious relations”. So there’s always that.


To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend


I sleep like a baby at night…

…a baby with a terrible secret.


There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.


I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.


Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out

Wife: yes why

Me: my boss fired me today


ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher

*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*

TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this