Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom


Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?


I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.


Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.


Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.


How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.


If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.


1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.


[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen