@Hello_Bella

Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.

You Might Also Like

@Molly_Kats

If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.

– Things I have to say to my mom

@yassinovic89

Mom: you failed your english test, didn’t you?

Me: who telled you?

@ninjadinosaur1

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

@GingerHotDish

Not to brag, but I’m easily the hottest person in a Waffle House bathroom stall at any given moment in Georgia.

@MichaelGoffLA

Pot has never been proven harmful to humans, but the way it makes those huge holes in the street has to give you pause.

@3sunzzz

How did you break your leg?

[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.

@not_thenanny

If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.

@TheTweetOfGod

1. The truth will set you free.
2. The truth hurts.
3. Being set free hurts.

@dafloydsta

[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen