god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
I got an email from Olga. She thinks I’m sweet & “longs for finding a special person for serious relations”. So there’s always that.
To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.
Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend
I sleep like a baby at night…
…a baby with a terrible secret.
“I AM A WARRIOR”
Sorry, worrier. I am a worrier.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
I’ve never run a marathon, but once I walked real fast across a parking lot because Krispy Kreme was about to close.
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this