OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
I’m Indian but not “able to read sanskrit” Indian so slow down there Raj, aside from the heart eye emojis I have no idea wtf your DM means.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
*tosses incriminating letter into the fireplace*
ME: will someone please light a fire in this fireplace
If you’ve never gotten stuck in a dress you tried on over your clothes in the middle of a clothing store, then you’re not me.
Pilot: Hi folks, I thought it’d be nice to speak to you out here instead of over the intercom. Unrelated, is anyone on board a locksmith?
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
I gave my 1yo a chocolate covered raisin. He chewed, paused, then gave me a look that told me he will never trust another human being again.