Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
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I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
Hit the showers. Smack a sink. Verbally assault a bathtub. Make everyone at Home Depot uncomfortable.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
*Hearing my kids fighting upstairs
once I can run up those stairs without getting winded, it’s so over for them
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I GOT INTO HARVARD!! 😍🥳🥳🥳 they left a first-floor window unlocked and i’m just walking around in here!
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Funny how we say “I drank a *pot* of coffee” instead of “I drank fourteen cups of coffee and chased the cat around the hot tub with a sword”
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
I’m giving up being Catholic for Lent.
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
David Bowie: We can be heroes
Me: No thanks
David Bowie: Just for one—
Me: I said I’m not interested
Me: Tell me about your weekend.
Bob: Why? You never ask.
Me: I find your voice acts like a laxative.
Bob: That’s disgus-
Me: It worked! Bye.
Dentist: *gives me numbing shot before my 7th root canal* I’ll be back with-
Me: Yes, I know…the drill.
Yes I was hurt that your cat ignored me, even though I’m allergic. I’m the same way with party invitations.