@honeybadgerMel

Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

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@Piecezilla

My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.

@novicefather

I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.

@EllenPallas

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

@PinkCamoTO

The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.

@MumInBits

Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy

@underchilde

I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.

@RamblingMachine

My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.

@MarfSalvador

[Bedroom]

Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*

@skedaddle74

If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.