Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.

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My apartment is so dirty that I actually lost my last girlfriend to the 5 second rule.


I remember back when I had to charge my Nokia 8210 once every 96 days.

My iPhone lost 4% just typing this tweet.


Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.


The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.


Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*

Kids: yuk

Husband: *makes pancakes*

Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy


I never buy a new couch without first seeing what it looks like with five loads of laundry piled on top of it.


My crush said we can’t be together because he’s seeing another woman so I asked him to rub his eyes and check if I still look different.



Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that

Her: Sure you do

Him: Time me *holds breath again*


If the government implants a tracking device on me the only useful information they are going to get is how many times I actually pee in a day.