@GrantTanaka

never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

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@murrman5

“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it

@JonnyGoodTimes

My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.

According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)

@CynicalTherapi1

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

@Perilandra

Friend: so drinks later?

Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.

Friend: after 5?

Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.

Friend: uh..k?

-LATER-

Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through

@TheHyyyype

ME: i honestly only had one drink

WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said

ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real

@david8hughes

My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.

@AngryRaccoon2

“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”

-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*

my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone

@AimeeHelene1

(my first day in customer service)

Caller: I can’t understand you.

Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…

Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”

@blahdevivre

(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for