never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around

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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here


“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”

Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”


If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.


As we develop robots, we should make them out of pretzels or cotton candy that way if they become self aware we could just eat them


I’m not drunk. I’m a gravity inspector…

…and everything seems to be in order here.

*falls down/passes out*


I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.


[a cat sitting in the sleigh impassively knocking presents out into the Pacific Ocean]
Rudolph: Santa Claws, NO


Sure sex is great but have you ever turned off the news?


Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.