never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
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Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Decades have gone by and STILL my parents have not given back the Halloween candy they took from me “for safe keeping”.
<- sleeps well with others
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
My brain when I’m up late googling rare & incurable genetic diseases:
yes yes yesyes
yesyes yes yes yes
yes yes yes yes yes
yes yesyes yes yes
yes yesye yes yes
yes yes yesyes
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
Sup girl, I hear u like bad boys
*I open the wrong side of juice carton*
*evil spirit flies out*
Oh, so that’s why they say don’t do that
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
My daughter wrote “Daddy is the best” in the snow then smashed it when I made her come inside. She’ll make some lucky guy miserable one day.
Eating vegetables after a failed attempt at picking up your shirt with your toes.
*whispers* forlorn corn.
I feel like before a bee stings a human, all his dumb bee friends are like “you can totally take him.”
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
I bet you’re all super stoked about election year coming up
History Trivia: In many photographs of Hitler,a golden retriever wearing a Nazi uniform can be seen. This is notorious war criminal Herr Bud
as is their right
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
My fridge constantly looks like I’m stockpiling for a massive cheese shortage.
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat