“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
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My girlfriend HATES it when I sneak up on her.
According to her lawyer she also hates it when I call her my girlfriend ( ._.)
My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
me, as a child: *walks into the kitchen covered in my own blood holding a rabbit I fought from a hawk*
my mom, on the phone: *mouthing* I’m on the phone
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
(three days later, in the shower)
STORMTROOPER: *slaps forehead* omg those WERE the droids I was looking for