Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
I don’t lock my car doors, so if someone wants to steal my egg mcmuffin wrappers, Sonic happy hour cups and 47 cents, they’re welcome to it.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
Me: What do you think of your haircut?
Wife: I need more volume
Me: WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT?
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –Me, the day after the office Christmas party.
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
Sometimes my memory is not quite as good as my forgettery.
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
sometimes I go to the gym spend the whole time stretching then leave…this is cat day
Left at a local drug store…
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
My reaction to being on a flight with a lot of kids is that I really wish they made light up theme sneakers in my size
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
called in thicc to work this morning
My friend showed me how they fixed the water stain on the ceiling in their office.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i’m marrying your dad