@Turn2Dude

Never understood the concept of the gift card. For the same 50 bucks you could’ve just give me 50 bucks.

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@weinerdog4life

I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.

@TheToddWilliams

[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”

@iamk1ts

Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.

@StephenKing

Drummer’s pissed because the guys in the band say drums aren’t a real instrument. He says, “I’ll show them–give me the red cornet and the accordion.”
Instrument store guy says, “Well you can have the fire extinguisher, but the radiator has to stay.”

@Ristolable

“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs

@sofarrsogud

ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?

VICTIM: No

ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.

@steeve_again

[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts

@iwearaonesie

Before I got married I didn’t realize “What do you want to watch?” was a rhetorical question

@krisv_723

You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.

@RodLacroix

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.