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I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes
I’ve thought about this Onion headline nearly every day for 20 years
While Taylor Swift’s boyfriends were exported overseas during the Trump years, only during Joe Biden’s administration were we able to bring this job back to the United States.
Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
[moon landing]
ME: the beagle has landed
HOUSTON: you mean eagle?
ME: (holding the puppy I snuck onboard) nope
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Mom was disappointed there were no fights on her flight. I gave her some tips for the return flight.
Saw this guy having engine troubles with his smart car. So I got out my son’s legos and built him a new one. I’m such a giver
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
My first child will be named New Folder.
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
🥶🥶🐶🐶
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[first date]
HER: So, do you have a 5 year plan?
ME: Yes. Well, the beginnings of one.
HER: How far have you gotten?
ME: I’ve decided what I want for dinner.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
We should be able to pick our zodiac sign, like choosing your piece in Monopoly: “Nope I’m not playing today unless I can be the crab or the lion”
If you accidentally use Pam cooking spray instead of Off…
It still works, because the mosquitoes just slide off your legs.
Me: I can’t wait until my kid is grown up and independant.
Also me, an adult: Hi mom. What’s my dentist’s name again?
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic