@TheOnion: New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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@squirrel74wkgn: Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
@ericarhodes: Netflix says not to watch Ted Bundy alone so do any nice, strange men wanna come over and watch with me to make sure I don’t get too scared?
@RexHuppke: God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I'm a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
@stephenjmolloy: <enter password> ikilledaman <password must contain a number> *7 hours later* ikilled2men