New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
[Jesus is resurrected after 3 days]
Mary Magdalene: I KNOW YOU SAW MY TEXTS
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
As a millennial, most people assume I am desperate for praise, but the secret is: I would be totally fine with money.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
When I was a kid my mom didn’t really stop me for doing dangerous things she would just repeat over and over “if you’re going to be dumb, you have to be tough.” I think about this as an old man often while doing dumb things
TIM: how are you?
ME: it’s Monday
TIM: yeah
ME: the sun is up
TIM: are u just listing facts?
ME: lettuce is a member of the sunflower family
We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…
[i fall down the stairs & break my back]
Me: Siri, call me 911
Siri: okay.. I will call you 911 from now on
Me: haha nice
Siri: thanks 911
“Know what, son? We should do all of our miracles before cameras exist.” – God
deleting my dating apps and meeting people the old fashion way (3+ years of a sexually tense friendship that devolves into weird cat and mouse games until one of us has to start seeing a psychiatrist)
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Prayers for my children who very tragically found vegetables mixed in their mac and cheese.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
My son couldn’t remember his head injury from the other day. That’s either a very good sign or a very bad sign.
Splinter: my sons i have good news and bad news
Leonardo: what’s the good news
Splinter: after 16 years of training you are ready to leave the sewers
Raphael: what’s the bad news
Splinter: your shells have grown too big to fit thru the manhole
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Every time I get my period, I think well that explains the last few days
I’m such a procrastinator, I’m just now getting around to worrying about Zika Virus.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.