New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
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A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
maybe leonardo dicaprio hated 9/11 so much that he can’t even date women who remember it. did that even occur to you
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
Why do they write PIZZA all over the box???? what else could possibly be in there???
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
Smallpox sounds so adorable
Saw a true dear friend today …. Thank God I was able to hide in time.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
Boss said no more sock puppets during zoom meetings.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Marriage Tip: If your wife goes silent in the middle of an argument, you probably shouldn’t ask if you can go back to mowing lawn.
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
“Mom, the kid in the other car is making faces at me.”
“Just ignore him, sweetie.”
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
told my kids they were allowed to hit each other once per day so they should really think it through and not waste their one hit and now they’re calmly discussing when might be the best time to hit each other (but the actual hitting has stopped, I’m a genius)
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
I blame our unhappy marriage on my wife mostly because of her poor choice in men.